एक चित्रकार की मौत - Death of an Artist

 In my mid-late teens, I wanted to be an author (as many of us do), and used to write stories. Many of those scribbling  are still with me in the old notebooks. Looking at the notebook, I think this was written around '70-'72.
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उसने तूलिका रखी और दोबारा कैनवास को देखा|

अधूरी! अभी भी अधूरी| कुछ कमी है, पर क्या? वो समझ नहीं पा रहा था|

एक बार फिर उसने अपनी कृति को तराशा| थोड़ी झुकी हुयी पलकें, खोये से नयन, छोटे अधर, उड़ते से रेशमी बाल... थोड़े में कहें तो वो कैनवास पर रंगों से लिखी हुई एक कविता थी| लेकिन अपने कवि के लिए अभी भी अधूरी! उसे अपनी रचना से संतुष्टि नहीं हो रही थी – स्वाभाविक भी है| ईश्वर भी तो मानव से असंतुष्ट ही रहता है; इसीलिए तो उसे बनाता है, मिटाता है और फिर से नए रूप देता है|

स्टूडियो की खिड़की से बाहर दूर क्षितिज पर घुलते सूरज का अंतिम लय चित्रकार की कल्पना के गीतों में समाता जा रहा था| अपनी आराम कुर्सी पर लेटे हुए वो उसी गीत में  डूबता जा रहा था – और उसके सामने कैनवास में  बंद उसका अपना गीत अपने रचनाकार में घुल जाने के लिये अपनी बेड़ियाँ काटने के प्रयत्न कर रहा था|

ख़ामोशी के शब्द नहीं होते लेकिन वो अपने आप में एक कविता होती है| उसमे ध्वनि नहीं होती लेकिन वो स्वयं एक स्वर-स्तोत्र होती है| ऐसी ही ख़ामोशी स्टूडियो में एक खेल रचा रही थी| अँधियारा बढ़ता जा रहा था... ये भी ख़ामोशी की तरह ही होता है| यदि देख सकें तो इसमें भी एक रंगीन संसार होता है; अगर नहीं, तो एक मात्र काली  चादर जिसमें हम स्वयं को खो देते हैं|

कितनी स्थिरता!!

चित्रकार को भी आज इसका अहसास हुआ था – पहली बार| उसके संसार में आज एक नया रंग था – एक ऐसा रंग जिसे उसकी तूलिका ने पहले कभी नहीं छुआ था|

उसके लिए यथार्थ और कल्पना जगत एक ही थे| जीवन उसके लिए एक स्वप्न मात्र था, उसके स्वप्न ही उसका जीवन थे| और आज जब इस नई अनुभूति में उसने अपने को ढूंढना चाहा तो वो ये भी नहीं समझ पा रहा था कि ये स्वप्न है या यथार्थ|

अनोखा जगत था| न अंधकार था, न ही कोई रौशनी; न स्वर थे और न ही स्तब्धता – सब कुछ होते हुए भी नहीं था| यदि थी तो स्थिरता! कर्कश, पैनी स्थिरता – लेकिन मृदु और मधुर भी| एक शांत स्थिरता...

“सुनो!”, उसने मुड़ कर देखा|

उसकी कल्पना उसके सामने थी| कैनवास के बंधन टूट गए थे, और उसमें छिपी हुई सजीविता स्पष्ट हो आई थी|

“क्या मैं अपूर्ण हूँ?” उसका स्वर करुण था|

चित्रकार ने उसे तराशा, “हाँ, शायद|”

फिर से ख़ामोशी – वही स्थिरता!

चित्रकार समझ नहीं पा रहा था| उसके सामने उसकी कृति पूर्ण खड़ी थी, लेकिन उसके मन की आखें उसे अपूर्ण बता रही थीं| उसके अधर फिर हिले, “नहीं! तुम अभी भी अपूर्ण हो|”

“क्यों?” कविता सिहर उठी|

“क्यों कि...” चित्रकार रुक गया, “... क्यों कि तुम केवल एक कल्पना हो|”

सरगम के स्वर गूँज उठे, “और तुम?”

वो स्तब्ध था| इतना बड़ा प्रश्न, “मैं क्या हूँ?”

एक ही उत्तर था – केवल एक कल्पना, एक कोरी अधूरी कल्पना!

कितना बड़ा व्यंग, कितनी बड़ी विडंबना! कर्ता स्वयं एक कृति था, अधूरी|

कल्पना विहंस उठी, “जब हम दोनों ही अपूर्ण कल्पना हैं, तो तुम्हारा मुझ पर क्या अधिकार? तुमने मुझ पर बंधन डाल रखे हैं, और शायद केवल मेरे अधूरेपन के कारण मुझे मिटा भी दोगे| लेकिन क्या तुम स्वयं एक अपूर्ण कल्पना नहीं हो?”

“हाँ... मैं भी अपूर्ण हूँ,” चित्रकार को अपनी लघुता का अहसास हो रहा था, “लेकिन – लेकिन, मैं कर ही क्या सकता हूँ?”

कल्पना की आँखों में प्रेम की सुरुभि थी| वो चित्रकार को देख रही थी जैसे माँ अपने शिशु को देख रही हो, जैसे प्रेयसी अपने प्रेमी को देखती हो, “हमारा बंधन ही हमारी अपूर्णता है, हमारा अधूरापन है| आओ हम दोनों मुक्त हो जाएँ, पूर्ण हो जाएँ...”

चित्रकार एक मासूम बच्चे की तरह उसके नयनों में अपने आप को निहार रहा था| कविता ने अपना हाथ बढ़ाया, और अनजाने ही उसने अपना हाथ उसके हाथों में दे दिया|

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सुबह के सूरज की पहली किरण स्टूडियो में तैरने लगी थी| बंधन टूट गए थे| चित्रकार का हाथ अपने हाथ में लिए, उसकी कल्पना आराम कुर्सी पर पड़े उसके निढाल, मृत शरीर को निहार रही थी| दोनों की छायाएं स्टैंड पर लगे सादे कैनवस मिल कर एक हो गयीं थीं|

 ...जैसे दो कल्पनाएँ मिल गयीं हों – दोनों मुक्त थीं, दोनों सम्पूर्ण थीं, दोनों एक थीं|

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My 3 Learning from the Old Man

Some years back, I had taken this screenshot from an article written by my grandfather, Pt. Ram Chandra Shukla, from a link in Google Books which I can't find now - It was published in an issue of The Theosophist 

He, "Babuji" to us, was a Hindi teacher/ scholar and shared his name with the famous Hindi poet (in fact, one of his poems was attributed to the poet). He started his teaching career as the personal tutor for JK Singhanias, which he left due to ideological/ego issues... perhaps this ran in the family during that time, since my dad had started his career as the personal physician of Gujar Mal Modi in 40s in Modi Nagar in West UP, the founder of Modi Enterprises and had quit overnight due to similar issues (he found that one of his allowances was deducted since he had sent the aspirin tablet fever/ headache through the orderly and had not gone personally to administer it).

At some point in his early life, Pt Ram Chandra Shukla came in touch with Annie Besant, got inspired/ influenced by her and joined the Theosophical Society... and later became the the Principal of the Besant Theosophical School, Kamaccha (Varanasi). Theosophy and the Society remained an internal and external anchors for him through out his life. I remember Radha Burnier, who at that time was the General Secretary of the Theosophical Society coming home to meet him in Lucknow...

I came to know him as person later in his life when I was growing up as a kid and a teen during the 60s till mid-70s. My grandmother, Kamla Devi, had expired in '63, and he came to live with us as my dad (who had joined the UP Medical and Health Services) got posted across Bulandshahr, Faizabad, Shahjahanpur and then in Lucknow.

By late 60s, when he was 80yrs old, he had lost his eyesight. There couldn't have been a bigger misfortune for a person whose life revolved around, and connected to the world through, books and printed words. But he picked up the threads, and to fill up the gap in some ways, I became his "personal secretary".

Looking back, that "personal secretary-ship" during those 8-9years during my teens, was also a sort of apprenticeship-to-life for me.

I used to read and write his letters (and he would receive many during a week), which kept him connected with people and  the world. I would also read books/ novels to him; By then he had developed a taste for Perry Mason and PG Wodehouse - besides the writings of Annie Besant, Helana Blavatsky and many others... that there is a space and diversity, ranging from the mundane to the sublime, in the entirety of a life to be lived was the first learning which I owe to him.

The other medium which kept him connected with life was his "transistor radio" through which he learned new things, and would talk about them... As a teenager, I learned some agriculture, the complicated scoring of 10-30-40 scoring of Wimbledon, different shots and placing of cricket (short-cut, mid-off, gully, google, etc.) from a blind person in his 80s who had ‘seen’ but never seen these things.... that was another learning - learning how to re-learn, change gears during the ups-and-downs of the life's sojourn - which I inadvertently picked from him.

I still remember that at some point in time in Jan-Feb ;'76, for some reasons, there were no letters for him. He would enquire and I had to tell him 'no, none today'. One day I asked him if he would like to dictate any letters and he said something like (not exactly these words, but this was the gist) "I think people have there own lives to live, I have lived mine. It is time to go". There was no sadness, rancour, resentfulness when he said that...it was like "this is it".

After that day, he sort of withdrew into himself, declined my attempts/ offers to read books or write letters and his health also started deteriorating.... He departed on April 2nd '76.

That was the last, and most precious subliminal learning for me: when it is over, it is over - there is time to go, gracefully - and to let go...

PS: I have one regret, though.
During his last days, during our MA days, Geeta would often come to our house in Mahanagar, Lucknow. Once when she was there, "Babu ji" called  me for something, and I told him that I will come later since I have a "friend"... it just didn't occur to me that I could have introduced her to him - I should have. Some years later when we were married, Geeta told me she would have loved to meet him and that perhaps I did not want to introduce her... I should/ could have done that, and that would have been wonderful!! - but that moment/ opportunity just went away - dumbo me!
... 'life happens and perfect closures don't happen in life' was my last learning