...for these handful of dreams

When you told me
without knowing
that…
there is no home!
…not for me.

I looked at you
trying to read your eyes....
They were sincere
understanding
and frank…

I was not surprised.

I had this feeling

…that
Home is a myth
created by the frightened cavemen…
…that
it is the ideology of
of the lost traveller…
…that it is the dream
of a crippled child….

And I had also known…
…that a part of me
is frightened, crippled and lost…

maybe...
I need a home more than you…
maybe...
I can also afford not to need it…

So
let us, my dream,
face together
this dreamless world…

...even if,
to face it
I have to crush my dreams…

Maybe
it is for these handful of dreams
that
I want to defy the world.

- Sept 29th, 1976 (Lucknow/ Kanpur)

आदि-अंत सब भूल चूका हूँ, ये कैसी उर-गति पहचानी ?...

आज अधूरी वही कहानी
यदि अनन्त यति मिटा सके तो
हर युग नें दोहराया जिसको
बात सुना दे वही पुरानी....

स्वर यदि जब बैरी बन जाए
मौन नयन ही कह उठते हैं
उर को जो है कथा सुनानी...

उर रोता तो नयन भीगते
बन जाती अभिव्यक्ति स्वयं ही
लिख देता आँखों का पानी...

नहीं कहीं दीपक की झिलमिल
भटक-भटक कर बना रहा हूँ
खोयी, अदिश, राह अनजानी...

ये पुकार किसकी आती है
आदि-अंत सब भूल चूका हूँ
ये कैसी उर-गति पहचानी ?...

- Dec 8th, 1973 (Lucknow)
***

Life as "The Glass Bead Game"...

Herman Hesse’s The Glass Bead Game is a book which I never read – at least, never read in full, cover-to-cover -  and yet in many ways it served as a reflection – and resolution - of much that was happening within as I was growing up. One conversation between Joseph Knecht and the Master remained relevant over years...

---

"If only there were a dogma to believe in. Everything is contradictory, everything tangential; there are no certainties anywhere. Everything can be interpreted one way and then again interpreted in the opposite sense. The whole of history can be explained as development and progress and can also be seen as nothing but decadence and meaninglessness. Isn't there any truth? Is there no real and valid doctrine?"

The Master had never heard him speak so fervently. He walked on in silence for a little, then said, "There is truth, my boy. But the doctrine you desire, absolute, perfect dogma that alone provides wisdom, does not exist. Nor should you long for a perfect doctrine, my friend. Rather, you should long for the perfection of yourself. The deity is within you, not in ideas and books. Truth is lived, not taught. Be prepared for conflicts, Joseph Knecht — I can see they have already begun."

कुछ सम्बन्ध, एक असहाय बच्चे सरीखे

कुछ सम्बन्ध
एक असहाय बच्चे सरीखे
किसी सहारे की तलाश में,
अपनी परिभाषा की खोज में,
भटकते रहते हैं...

उन्हें
एक पौधे की तरह
सींचना
...पालना..
आवश्यक होता है...

और ये पालना
सामजिक परिभाषाओं में आंकी हुई
स्वाभाविकता
के परे होता है...
- 09/07/80
Bhopal

hmm, yes!... its part of The Journey

Each meeting -
a new life...

Each parting -
a small personal death
... a loss
of a part of myself,

... a lonely vaccuum
demanding to be filled up.

But then,
Death
is only a bump
on the road...

It shakes me up,
brings it back to me...
that
I am on a journey!

- 06/06/1987, Jaipur

of desert-wind, sand-dunes.. and life

Many years back, when I was exploring the fascinating nuances of what is called the “Chaos/ Complexity Theory” (or why and how events in life and nature unfold, and follow their own course), I had come across this intriguing and insightful analogy/ metaphor of the non-linear interplay between the sand-dunes and the desert-wind…

“when the desert-wind blows, its direction is influenced by the sand-dunes on its way. But then, as it blows, it also shifts the sand-dunes from one location to another – which again change the direction of the desert-wind…. this interplay continues ad infinitum…”

…in this non-linearity/unfolding, there is no “prediction/ certainty”

Many years later, I came across an analogue to this interplay of forces in human life: “human beings create the technology, and then the technology changes the human life”

…which made sense – since human beings created technology (automotives, cameras, computers, cellphones, etc.), and then these technologies changed the way we live/ relate/ work…

Over the years, this metaphor sunk into my personal life as I kept looking back (which I do often) the road travelled, and many happenings started making sense (even if the life did not happen as ‘planned’)

many, many eons back I entered into a relationship… as we moved on with our lives (together and individually), we changed/shaped that relationship and the relationship changed us as persons...

some 3 decades back, I took up my 1st job (those were the times when there were no “campus interviews” – and one had to find a job for oneself), since that was the only option for me then. I did what the job required me to do – but it also gave me a platform to move my life into other directions...

some year later into the relationship/marriage, we decided to have a kid.. the way we brought her up shaped her in some ways, but bringing her up also changed our life...

as a teacher, my interactions with folks in the class and campus influence them in someways - but those interactions have also changed me as a person...
etc. etc...

and so the life goes on... unfolding and uncertain
…like the unfolding interplay of the sand-dunes and desert-wind…

मौन अधर भी कहते हैं कुछ...

केवल मूक हुई है वाणी,
इतना भी तुम सम्हझ न पाए,
मौन अधर भी कहते हैं कुछ...

कविता बन जाती स्मृतियाँ,
चाहे कितनी भी सूखी हों,
बीती ऋतू की लुटी कहानी,
पुस्तक पृष्ठों पर मुरझाये,
सूखे पुष्प सुनाते हैं कुछ...

आड़ी-तिरछी रेखाओं के,
अर्थहीन जले दिखते हैं,
जिनकी लेख नहीं पहचानी,
जिस रहस्य को सम्हझ ना पाए,
अर्थ वहां रहते हैं कुछ...

- 31st march, 1972

सूखे अधरों, भीगी पलकों, में ही जीवन का सत्य छिपा...

a slice of life back then... as it was happening/ unfolding...

सूखे अधरों, भीगी पलकों
में ही जीवन का सत्य छिपा...

कितनी आशाएं हैं मन की,
फिर भी परिभाषा जीवन की,
मिटती प्रतिछवियों में सोयी,
बन गयी रिक्तता जीवन की...
...जो बोझ बना खालीपन से,
ऐसा हमको अमरत्व मिला ||

राहों के काँटों से बिंध कर
जो अपने थे, उनको खो कर
पग विवश हुए, बढ़ते जाते,
मन में झूठी आशाएं ले कर..
...अनजान डगर में भटक रहे,
ना राह मिली, ना लक्ष्य मिला ||

- Sept 23, '73

कुछ सम्बन्ध... जो खोटे सिक्कों की तरह

Even though, since those 30-odd years, when I wrote these lines... I have been able to convert some of these counterfeit coins into cherished memories of life (if not dreams)...

कुछ सम्बन्ध ऐसे होते हैं,
जो खोटे सिक्कों की तरह,
मेरी जेब में पड़े रहते हैं -
...उनका खनकना मुझे अच्छा लगता है,
पर उनसे
एक मुट्ठी भर सपने भी
खरीदे नहीं जा सकते.... |
- July 1, 1980

..when the history was "happening"

I was rummaging through some of my old diaries, last night. In one of the flaps, I found this crumpled vestige of history - the news-paper headlines on the morning after The Emergency was declared in India in June '75...




...I guess, for that 21yr old then, to have saved it, there must have been a sense that one was seeing history "happening"