...शून्य बन कर ही रहूँगा ||

I guess these verses, back then in '73, came out of that sense of growing out of childhood into being an adult.. when one experiences so many parts of oneself dying...
(and it takes a few decades to discover/ realise that in the 'river' nothing remains the same - and everything returns...)

मृत्यु में ही मुक्ति मेरी,
...शून्य बन कर ही रहूँगा||

भोर आंसू की कहानी
जलाती दिन की जवानी
थका, ऊबा शाम का तन
रात, दुःख में डूबता मन
है यही जीवन अगर तो,
भार कब तक सह सकूंगा...
...शून्य बन कर ही रहूँगा ||

चीखतीं साड़ी दिशाएँ
झटक देती हैं हवाएं
भटकता हूँ, मार्ग ओझिल
घेर लेते सिसकते पल,
खो गया पथ, दिशा धूमिल
भटकता कब तक रहूँगा
...शून्य बन कर ही रहूँगा ||
- Dec 3, '73 (Lucknow)

तेरे बिना ज़िन्दगी से कोई...

It is funny, how life comes a full circle…
oh, OK, OK!… it actually doesn’t, really!!...
(but it does make sense to believe that it does)

.. and so today, while “YouTube-surfing” this evening, I (re-)discovered song, it brought back many memories…

This was the 2nd movie we – Geeta and I - had seen together… her 2nd after almost a decade..

…that was back in ’75, and we all (from MA-Psy, Lucknow Univ) had booked to see “Andhi” in Mayfair (that too does not exist now!!)

I do, vaguely, recollect the movie… but do recollect this song quite vividly... even though, the 'filters' of this clip have evaporated now... and what was a night scene looks so very different - such being life

मैंने देखा था उन दिनों में उसे...

... as one navigates through the journey...

ख्वाब ये है कि वो हकीकत था,
ये हकीकत है कोई ख्वाब था वो

A search for belonging... that'll never end!

A tear, that couldn't quench
the heart's fire.
a lifeless urge,
an unknown desire..

A song, that vanished
in tearful sighs,
a dream that never
opened its eyes...

A hope that stole away,
all solaces,
A memory,
that left some hurting traces...

...And a life, cruel ordeal,
- that none can defend,
A search for belonging...
that'll never end!
- 16th Feb, '74 (Lucknow)

Death...

A poem, she wrote in '75...

The night wind sighs, in tall dark trees,
Kissed by a half-hearted moon
The stars gyrate in perpetual gloom
In a nameless cosmic freeze.

And I look up at the trees, to find
A loving thought, a faceless name
Oft repeated in a fruitless game
With myself, with rules I have defined.

I am the night wind, I am sighing.
An unwanted, foresaken force,
Of a pain borne of lifeless chores
In a barren, cloudless sky I’m dying...

...In endless years an endless death,
Life being blown out breath by breath.

- Geeta Saxena
****

one more autumn... one more batch..

The rhythm of life and the cycles of seasons, sort of, cog-wheel...
..as they have been doing, since last couple decades...

This is the time of autumn and, from my balcony, I see the trees shedding their leaves.. folks leaving - saying goodbye to the campus
..every year!.. after year

and each year, I watch this caravan passing by... (mostly below my balcony)



..and I wait for June/July when the monsoons will arrive... and the trees will bear new leaves. And a new crop will arrive in the campus... and from my balcony, I will, once again, see a green campus... and see lives going back and forth...

- below my balcony!